I’m Going to Say What I Believe About Social Emotional Learning

I know this may not be a popular thing to say.

But I believe there comes a time when you have to be courageous enough to speak the truth as you see it—even when what you are saying challenges what everyone else has accepted.

So, I’m going to say it.

What many people call Social Emotional Learning may look good on paper, sound good in a curriculum, and contain words that sound exactly like what children need—but when it is actually applied, I believe something important is missing.

And what is missing is teaching children how to love others as they love themselves.

That is not a small thing.

It Sounds Good on Paper

Teaching children to identify their feelings sounds good.

Teaching emotional regulation sounds good.

Teaching children to recognize emotions sounds good.

Teaching children coping strategies sounds good.

And these things can certainly have a place.

But I have had to ask myself a harder question:

What happens when we teach children to focus primarily on how they feel without teaching them how their choices affect the people around them?

Because knowing that I'm angry doesn't automatically teach me not to hurt you.

Knowing that I'm frustrated doesn't teach me how to respond when I don't get my way.

Knowing that I feel left out doesn't automatically teach me not to leave someone else out.

Knowing how to regulate myself doesn't automatically teach me how to care about you.

And that is where I believe we have to go deeper.

Feelings Are Not the Whole Story

Children absolutely have feelings.

But children are also making choices.

They are using words.

They are taking actions.

They are deciding whether to help or ignore.

Whether to include or exclude.

Whether to share or keep everything for themselves.

Whether to listen or interrupt.

Whether to tell the truth or deceive.

Whether to think only about themselves or consider someone else.

Those moments are opportunities to teach something much deeper than:

"What are you feeling?"

We can also ask:

"What are you doing?"

"Was that helpful?"

"Was that kind?"

"How did your choice affect someone else?"

"Would you want someone to treat you that way?"

Now we are getting somewhere.

Because children need more than emotional vocabulary.

They need a heart that is being taught to consider others.

This Is Where I Believe We Have Missed Something

I am not saying that every person who teaches SEL has bad intentions.

I am not saying that every SEL curriculum is worthless.

And I am not saying children shouldn't learn about their emotions.

What I am saying is that we have to be courageous enough to examine what we are actually teaching children through these lessons.

Because something can be true and still be incomplete.

Something can sound wonderful and still fail when it is put into practice.

Something can look impressive in a curriculum guide and still not address the behavior happening right in front of us.

And when we refuse to question it simply because it is what everyone else is doing, we aren't practicing discernment.

We are conforming.

Children Need to Learn How to Love

This is the part I don't want to compromise.

Children need to learn how to love others as they love themselves.

That means learning that my wants are not more important than yours.

It means learning that being upset doesn't give me permission to hurt you.

It means learning that I don't always get to go first.

It means learning that I can have something and still choose to share.

It means learning that my words can build someone up or tear them down.

It means learning that my actions communicate something about what is happening in my heart.

It means learning to stop looking only at "What do I want?" and begin asking:

"What does someone else need?"

That is a completely different kind of lesson.

And I believe our children need it.

I'm Not Afraid to Do Something Different

This is why I created Heart Skills.

Not because I think being different is automatically better.

But because I reached a point where I knew I couldn't keep looking at social-emotional development the same way.

I want children to have opportunities to practice what it means to be a good friend, a helper, a listener, a problem-solver, and someone who considers others.

I want lessons to move beyond talking about emotions and into what children actually say and do.

Because that's where relationships happen.

That's where conflict happens.

That's where selfishness shows up.

That's where kindness shows up.

That's where children learn to make choices.

And that's where teaching has to happen.

So Yes, I'm Going to Speak Up

I know some will disagree with me.

That's okay.

I'm not interested in creating something different simply to challenge people.

I'm interested in asking questions that I believe we should all be willing to ask:

Is what we're teaching actually changing how children treat one another?

Are children learning to consider others—or simply learning to identify their own emotions?

Are we teaching children how to love?

And if the answer is no, then perhaps we need the courage to admit:

What we are doing may sound good, but it isn't enough.

I believe children deserve more.

They deserve adults who are willing to look beyond what is popular, examine what is actually happening, and teach them skills that will help them live in relationship with other people.

That may look different.

It may challenge the norm.

It may not fit neatly into what everyone else is doing.

But I would rather have the courage to teach what I believe children truly need than conform to something simply because it is accepted.

Because Social Emotional Learning should not stop at teaching children how to understand themselves.

It should help teach them how to love, serve, consider, and live well with others.

And that is the kind of learning I believe is worth teaching.