Social Emotional Learning ~ We Have to Go Deeper: It’s Time to Teach the Heart of the Matter, Not Just About Feelings

There is a conversation we need to have about Social-Emotional Learning.

We have to go deeper.

For years, we have placed a strong emphasis on teaching children to identify and name their feelings:

“I’m angry.”“I’m sad.”“I’m frustrated.”“I feel left out.”

And yes, children need to develop emotional awareness.

But identifying a feeling cannot be the finish line.

A child can know exactly what they are feeling and still choose to hurt someone.

A child can say, “I’m angry,” and still refuse to listen.

A child can explain, “I’m frustrated,” and still reject correction.

So the question we need to ask is:

What are we doing to teach children what is happening in their hearts?

Feelings Are Not the Problem—But They Cannot Be the Guide

Feelings are real. They are part of being human.

But feelings were never meant to be our authority.

When we teach children that every feeling should determine their response, we can unintentionally communicate that “If I feel it, I should act on it.”

That is not what children need.

Children need to learn that there is a difference between what I feel, what I want, what I think, and what I choose to do.

That space between the feeling and the action is where important heart skills are developed.

A child may feel angry—but they can learn not to hit.

A child may feel disappointed—but they can learn not to speak disrespectfully.

A child may want the toy—but they can learn to wait.

A child may believe they are right—but they can learn to listen when someone offers correction.

That is deeper than emotional identification.

The Heart Behind the Behavior

Scripture gives us a different lens for understanding behavior.

 A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. - Luke 6:45

This teaching challenges us to look beyond the surface of how we rely on feelings to dictate the truth.

Sometimes what we call a social-emotional problem is actually an opportunity to address something happening in the heart.

Selfishness.

Pride.

Coveting.

Wanting our own way.

Refusing correction.

Believing that our truth matters more than what is true.

Choosing ourselves instead of loving our neighbor.

These things affect how children interact with one another.

And if we only teach children to name the emotion, we may never help them understand the behavior that follows it.

What Happens When Pride Leads?

Think about what happens in a classroom when a child believes, “I should be first.”

They push.

They interrupt.

They refuse to wait.

They become upset when another child gets a turn.

Or consider the child who thinks, “I know how to do it. I don't need you to tell me.”

They stop listening.

They resist correction.

They become defensive.

Now consider the child who wants what another child has.

They grab.

They argue.

They may even try to convince themselves that they deserve it.

These aren't simply moments to label:

angry, frustrated, disappointed, jealous

These are moments to teach.

What is happening in your heart?

What are you wanting right now?

Is that choice loving?

Are you listening?

Can you receive correction?

How can you consider the other person?

This is where Heart Skills become practical.

Our Children Need to Learn How to See One Another

One of the greatest problems we see in relationships is that we stop seeing the other person.

We see what we want.

We see what we feel.

We see what we think is fair.

But we don't see the child sitting beside us.

We don't consider their feelings.

We don't consider their needs.

We don't listen to their words.

We don't make room for them.

And when we operate from pride and selfishness, we lose the ability to love well.

This is why children need repeated opportunities to practice:

• Listening before responding

• Speaking truthfully and kindly

• Receiving correction

• Waiting their turn

• Sharing

• Helping others

• Solving problems

• Considering another person's needs

• Controlling their actions when emotions are strong

• Choosing love instead of selfishness

  
  

These aren't simply classroom behaviors.

These are heart skills for life.

We Have to Stop Treating SEL Like a Feelings Vocabulary Lesson

We can teach a child twenty different feeling words and still leave them without the skills necessary to navigate relationships.

The goal cannot simply be:

“Can you tell me how you feel?”

We must also ask:

“What will you do with that feeling?”

Because a feeling may explain a behavior, but it does not excuse every behavior.

Children need adults who will lovingly teach them:

You can be angry, but you cannot hurt someone.

You can be disappointed, but you still need to listen.

You can want something, but you don't always get your way.

You can think you are right, but you still need to receive correction.

You can feel left out, but you can learn how to communicate your need.

That is not ignoring emotions.

That is teaching children how to govern their responses.

This Is the Direction We Need to Move

We don't need to abandon emotional learning.

We need to go deeper.

Let's move from simply teaching children to name feelings to teaching them to examine their hearts.

Let's move from “How do you feel?” to “What is happening inside of you, and what choice will you make?”

Let's move from simply validating every response to lovingly teaching children that their choices have consequences.

Let's teach children that they don't have to be controlled by every desire.

Let's teach them that correction is not rejection.

Let's teach them that listening is an act of love.

Let's teach them that humility makes room for others.

Let's teach them that their words and actions affect the people around them.

And most importantly, let's model it.

Because children are watching us.

They are watching how we respond when we are frustrated.

How we respond when we are corrected.

How we treat someone who disagrees with us.

How we speak about people who aren't in the room.

How we respond when we don't get our way.

We cannot teach children heart skills that we refuse to practice ourselves.

At The Learning Boutique, this is why we call them Heart Skills.

Because we don't want to stop at “What feeling are you having?”

We want to help children learn how to listen, communicate, respond, problem-solve, help, consider others, receive correction, and choose what is right even when what they feel or want is pulling them in another direction.

Our children don't just need better emotional vocabulary.

They need hearts being taught how to love.

And that means it is time for us to go deeper.

It's time to teach the heart.

Before we move forward, here is the question I want every parent, teacher, and childcare provider to ask themselves:

Have I unintentionally reduced Social-Emotional Learning to teaching children how to identify and manage their feelings—or am I actually teaching them how their hearts, desires, words, and choices affect the way they love and treat others?

Take a moment to look at the SEL practices in your classroom or home. What happens after a child says, “I'm angry”?

Do we simply acknowledge the feeling and move on, or do we use that moment to teach the child how to respond with self-control, listen to correction, communicate, consider another person, and choose what is loving?

That is your action step: 

Don't just ask, “What feeling are we teaching today?” 

Ask, “What heart skill is this moment giving this child an opportunity to practice?”

Let’s stop teaching children only how to name what they feel, and start teaching them how to love others, receive correction, and choose what is right—even when their feelings and desires tell them otherwise.