Who Sets the Standard? Understanding Expectations at Home, School, and Beyond

Children are constantly learning that different places have different expectations.

At home, a child may be expected to put their toys away, speak respectfully, help with family responsibilities, and listen when a parent gives directions.

At school, the expectations may look different. Children may be expected to sit during circle time, take turns, raise their hands, follow classroom routines, respect personal space, and work cooperatively with their classmates.

Then there is the larger community—stores, parks, libraries, churches, neighborhoods, activities, and eventually the workplace. Each environment has its own expectations for how people interact with one another.

These expectations serve a purpose.

They help create order. They help us understand what is appropriate in different settings. They help communities function.

But there is a question we should ask ourselves as parents, educators, caregivers, and members of a community:

Who sets the standard?

Different Places, Different Expectations

A child can quickly learn that what is acceptable in one place may not be acceptable somewhere else.

Maybe at home they can run through the living room, but they are expected to walk inside a classroom.

Maybe at home they can interrupt a family conversation, but at school they are expected to wait their turn to speak.

Maybe a parent can understand what a child means even when the child uses a frustrated tone, while a teacher may have a classroom expectation for speaking respectfully.

The expectations may change depending on the environment.

But does that mean the principles behind how we treat one another have to change?

I believe this is where the conversation becomes bigger than simply teaching children to "follow the rules."

We are teaching children how to live in relationship with other people.

Expectations Are Not the Same as the Standard

An expectation tells us what is required in a particular environment.

A standard gives us something deeper to measure our choices against.

For example, a classroom may have an expectation that children take turns.

But underneath that expectation is something much bigger:

Can I consider someone besides myself?

A classroom may expect children to listen when someone else is speaking.

But underneath that expectation is another important question:

Am I willing to value what someone else has to say?

A child may be expected to help clean up at home.

But underneath that expectation is an opportunity to learn:

Do I understand that I am part of something bigger than myself?

This is why our work with children cannot stop at behavior.

We want children to understand why their choices matter.

What Standard Are We Teaching?

As adults, we have to examine the standards we are modeling, too.

It is easy to say:

"Do what your teacher says."

"Follow the classroom rules."

"Behave when we are in public."

"Listen to your parents."

But children are watching more than our instructions.

They are watching how we treat people when we are frustrated.

They are watching how we respond when someone makes us wait.

They are watching whether we listen when someone else is speaking.

They are watching whether we consider the needs of others when our own plans are interrupted.

This is where Proverbs 3:5–6 gives us an important reminder about where our trust and direction should come from:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." — Proverbs 3:5–6 (NIV)

There will be times when what we think is right does not align with what God is teaching us.

There will be times when our own understanding says, "I deserve to have my way."

There will be times when the expectations around us differ from what we have experienced somewhere else.

That is why we cannot make ourselves, our experiences, or the expectations of one particular environment the ultimate standard.

We need to seek God's direction.

Teaching Children to Move Beyond "Me"

One of the biggest developmental lessons children are learning is that they are not the only person in the room.

"My turn."

"I want it."

"I had it first."

"I don't want to."

"But I want to!"

These are familiar preschool statements because young children are still developing the ability to recognize and respond to the perspectives and needs of others.

But here's the important part:

Adults are still learning this, too.

We may simply express it differently.

"I was here first."

"They need to move faster."

"Why should I have to wait?"

"I don't want to change my plans."

"I don't care what they think."

The environment may change, but the heart of the issue can remain the same.

Am I only considering myself?

That is why teaching children about expectations should also give us opportunities to examine ourselves.

Home Is Where the Conversation Begins

Children don't enter school without already having learned something about expectations.

They bring their experiences from home with them.

They bring what they have been taught about listening.

They bring what they have learned about sharing.

They bring what they have learned about boundaries.

They bring what they have learned about helping.

They bring what they have learned about how people speak to one another.

This doesn't mean every child will have the same expectations at home—and they shouldn't be expected to.

Every family has its own routines, values, responsibilities, and ways of doing things.

But it does mean that home is an important place for children to begin learning that their choices affect other people.

Then Comes School

When children enter school, they encounter a new environment with its own expectations.

A teacher may have a different way of doing things than a parent.

A classroom may have routines that are different from what happens at home.

That difference doesn't automatically mean that one environment is wrong.

It creates an opportunity to teach children an important skill:

I can learn how to respond appropriately in different places without losing sight of what is right.

Following a classroom routine isn't simply about making a teacher's job easier.

It can become an opportunity for children to practice listening, patience, responsibility, cooperation, and respect.

And these lessons don't stop when the school day ends.

Beyond Home and School

Eventually, children will encounter expectations everywhere.

They will have to navigate friendships, teams, workplaces, neighborhoods, organizations, and communities.

They will encounter people who think differently.

They will encounter people who have different experiences.

They will encounter expectations they understand and expectations they don't immediately understand.

The goal isn't to raise children who simply know how to adjust their behavior depending on who is watching.

The goal is to help children develop an understanding of why their choices matter and to learn to seek wisdom when they don't know what to do.

This is why the question "Who sets the standard?" matters.

Because expectations can change.

Circumstances can change.

People can change.

But our source of wisdom does not have to change.

Who Sets the Standard?

As parents, educators, and caregivers, we have an opportunity to ask ourselves some important questions:

What expectations am I teaching?

Why am I teaching them?

Am I only teaching children how to behave, or am I helping them understand why their choices matter?

Am I modeling the standard I expect from them?

And perhaps most importantly:

Am I trusting my own understanding, or am I seeking God's wisdom?

Children are going to encounter different expectations throughout their lives.

Home will have expectations.

School will have expectations.

The community will have expectations.

But as we guide children through all of these environments, we can help them understand that there is a difference between simply adapting to expectations and learning to walk with wisdom.

That conversation begins at home.

And tomorrow, Moxie and I are going to start there.

Teaser for Tuesday

"Tomorrow, Moxie and I are starting where expectations begin for many children—the home."

What happens when the expectations at home don't look exactly like the expectations at school?

How do we help children understand the difference without teaching them that one place is "right" and another place is "wrong"?

And how do we help them recognize that there are principles that can guide us no matter where we are?

Moxie and I will continue the conversation tomorrow.

🎬 Companion Reel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7aC65xuoj4

Different Places, Different Expectations: A Conversation with Moxie & Me

In this companion reel, Moxie and I talk about how expectations can change depending on where we are—home, school, or somewhere in the community—and why understanding expectations is about more than simply following rules.

Moxie has questions.

I have questions.

And together, we're going to explore who sets the standard.